The Process of Attraction

Cursed with the inability to find someone you're attracted to who's actually attracted to you too - ever had that problem? It's simple, really. You are looking for someone smart, attractive, talented, accomplished, and passionate, someone who inspires you. At the same time, you want them to have a softer, sweet side, able to understand you and love you for who you are. Your relationship is blessed with mutual admiration and care.

Believe it or not, finding someone like that is not as hard as you might think. The two important things to keep in mind are that 1) that's pretty much what everyone is looking for and 2) these aspects of a person must be unveiled in a certain order. 

What do we mean by that? Firstly, in order to attract the kind of person you are looking for, you need to be able to embody those traits yourself. Secondly - and very importantly - you have to showcase the conventionally "strong" side of you before you reveal your softer side. The traits that fall under the first category are what we referred to in the first paragraph -  "smart, attractive, talented, accomplished, and passionate." People are initially drawn to these traits because they want to aim as high as they can in regards to their potential partner. At the beginning, people have no real connection or relationship with each other, so they are likely to form crushes similar to the admiration one has for celebrities. The people that catch their eye are those who "look good on paper" - easy to idealize and place on a pedestal. This "celebrity crush" dynamic is not the dynamic of a true, healthy relationship, but it is a powerful starting point. Think of it as a hook.

Once you have the person hooked, you have a certain window of time before they get over the thrill of being with a trophy figure. This is where the real, substantial stuff starts to become important. If you don't show the person you're dating that you have a realer side of you that they can relate to before this window of time closes, he/she will start to pull away. On the flip side, if you do show him/her at crucial this stage that you are a multifaceted person with human hopes, fears, pain, weaknesses, a past - just like everyone else - you will actually make yourself seem even more attractive than before. That is because you are then becoming everyone's dream partner - that highly admirable, respectable man or woman with a heart of gold, who is actually very real and down to earth.

Timing is key. If you are blabbering away about your problems with your exes or divulging your crippling insecurities on a first date, you are flipping the process of attraction and starting on the wrong end. Oversharing in the beginning is likely to ruin your chances with just about anyone. Follow the strategy of showing off your strong side before you unveil your soft side, and you will find that you have sparks with many more prospective dates!