Being in a relationship should be beneficial and nurturing to both parties involved. But sometimes attachment can confuse our vision of how we should expect to be treated. Most people know to draw the line at physical abuse, but there are a lot of more subtle behaviors and traits that are just as damaging over time. So how do you know if you're putting up with too much?
Here are some personality traits that are definite red flags in a relationship!
Your partner should be happy for you when you're happy. You shouldn't have to worry about looking too attractive, being too smart/talented, or doing too well in life. If your significant other is constantly trying to compete with you, unable to feel good without "one-upping" you, you have no reason to stick around. Not only will you feel suppressed, but with an overtly jealous partner you may start to lose confidence in yourself as well - it's hard to feel good about yourself when the person you love acts sullen and condescending whenever you bring home good news.
Example: "You probably did well because it was an easy class. Honestly, your grades would've been average if you had gone to my school."
Conversations with someone like this will often be unnecessarily confrontational and offensive. In private, this person ruins the "good vibes" by constantly expressing judgmental opinions, often about women's behavior and appearance. When talking with others in front of you, a judgmental person will often discuss lofty topics that you don't know much about, in order to seem intelligent and superior. You will end up feeling ignored and inferior whenever you spend time with this person, whether alone or in a group setting.
Example: "You should do more high-intensity training because just jogging doesn't really burn that much. I like girls who have defined ab structure."
Truly healthy relationships thrive on mutual trust. Just because your partner is kind and flattering to you on the surface (nice dinners, presents, compliments, etc.) does not mean you are obligated to turn a blind eye to shady behavior. A dishonest person will often resist being caught and will attempt to make you feel like you are the one doing something wrong, if you bring up incidents that make you suspicious. Staying with someone like this will only cause you to become insecure and jaded.
Example: "HE has been the one initiating the texts, and I'm just responding to be polite. What's not polite is you accidentally seeing my messages and then getting mad at me..."
When you care for someone, there is a natural urge to want to be their shining light and savior, being the one that they turn to when no one else can do what you can for them. However, you shouldn't let yourself get sucked into the ups and downs of someone who spirals deep into bitterness and self-pity on a regular basis. You have your own life to live, and you shouldn't have to spend it trying to rescue someone who is immersed in negativity. In the long run, it will be hard for you to view this person as someone you can respect and be attracted to. And, you can't fix anyone, or 'make' them happy -- the only person that can do that for them is themselves...
Example: "I've never been lucky with girls. No one cares about me...but I don't deserve it anyway because I'm not attractive or good at anything."
5. Drama Queen
If dating someone causes your life to suddenly become fraught with drama, you need to be wary of this person. Everyone enjoys a little bit of delicious gossip from time to time, but your conversations with a drama queen will likely consist mostly of obsessive negative talk about other people. Someone like this feeds off of insecurity, and if you continue the relationship, you will find yourself stressing out about your image, your past, your current friendships - all of which were fine and trouble-free before your dramatic significant other entered the picture.
Example: "Did you see how they were staring at you when we walked by? They're definitely talking shit about us."
If you have questions about red flags that someone is exhibiting, reach out to one of our excellent coaches at SDA -- who will guide you swiftly through a "should I stay or should I go?" analysis!
Posted on Sun, February 15, 2015