3 QUICK Ways to get the "Fireworks" Back!
Dating and new relationships are great, as our brains are awash in all sorts of hormones that make us feel fireworks and uber-chemistry. The chemical effects wear off between 18 months - 4 years, and thus ends the "honeymoon" phase. Day to day issues, work, even kids, and the mundanity of life tend to dampen the sparks long term.. How do you put the fireworks back into your relationship? Here are three easy ways:
Focus on what's good about your significant other. As a relationship matures and time goes on, the negativity bias in our brains has us focusing on "the weaknesses" of our significant others, what we don't like, what they don't do right - and we magnify these unrealistically and sometimes catastrophically. Take a trip down memory lane, and sit with a pen and paper. What attracted you to your significant other? What did you love most then, and what are their best characteristics now? What I've had my clients do sometimes is imagine writing the eulogy of their special someone - what was cute and fun about them, what made you laugh, what was special about them.
Take Your Fighting Gloves Off. We all have issues that crop up again and again in our relationships. Our brains normally operate in "loss aversion" mode - meaning, we HATE to lose, and will fight to win. There is no winning when we fight with our significant others, only losing. When I get into it with my husband, and I feel that it's escalating, I say these three sentences, "I think this is heating up where we're going to hurt each other's feelings. I'm going to head upstairs for an hour to cool off and think - I'm not walking out or leaving. I just think taking a break from this will be good." And invariably, in 20 minutes, we cool down, and one of us ends up apologizing (usually him - haha)!
Send Cute "Thinking of You" texts during the day. This works wonders for every part of your relationship - including the bedroom so listen up! Send your spouse a sweet message a few times per week, "I am so happy you are my person." or "Thanks so much for taking the kids to school this morning - you made my day easier." My husband was out of town last week, and the day he got back I texted, "I'm so glad you're home, and that you're mine!" He texted me back, "Best.Text.Of.The.Year."
Posted on Thu, July 4, 2013